The Dragonlance Chronicles: Trapped in a Fanfic
by Subieko
Summary: We've seen the companions fight Queen Tahksis, travel through time, and defeat Chaos, but do they have the strength and courage to escape the dreaded...fanfic?
1. At Flint's House

Author's Note: There are quite a number of spoilers here, since there are characters from lots of different books and plot details are mentioned. Major spoilers are from the Chronicles and Legends trilogies and Dragons of Summer Flame. There might be one or two from War of Souls, but nothing particularly crucial that I can think of...so, hope you enjoy!

Chapter 1: At Flint's House

One fine, sunny morning in Solace, Tas and Tanis were sitting around at Flint's house. Tanis had a house of his own, but continually leeched off the grumpy but not-so-secretly kindhearted dwarf for some reason. It was hard to understand why he and his friends would choose Flint's house to hang out in, since he was nearly two feet shorter than most of the companions, but they weren't the brightest bunch.

"What should we do today?" piped Tas, small legs swinging on his chair.

"Why is that chair too big for you? I'm a dwarf. Everything I own is miniaturized," Flint replied, bushy eyebrows coming together.

"Don't question it, Flint," Tanis said calmly. He somehow instinctively knew he must act as the voice of reason, despite the fact that he never knew what in the Abyss he was doing. Glancing around, he decided to make some breakfast.

"What does everyone want to eat?" he asked.

Flint and Tas thought hard about this. They knew they had to remain as in-character as possible, but the companions were usually shown eating dinner or lunch, not breakfast. Tas absently pulled a crust of bread from one of his myriad of pouches and munched on it as he thought. Finishing that, he pulled the rest of the loaf out of the pouch, much to Flint's amazement.

"How in the Abyss do you fit all this useless sh-t in your pouches!? They're much too small to fit any of the things you supposedly carry around! And they'd be much too heavy for you, you're only three feet tall!"

Tas looked disdainfully at Flint, swallowing a mouthful of bread. "My _treasures_ fit in my pouches just fine. And how come you're swearing? You never do in the books!"

"Actually, Tas, I think he does--the books make references to him cursing a couple of times. But Flint, Tas is right--there's no need to get angry," Tanis said in an overly calm voice, trying to keep the peace. Unfortunately, his voice was so peaceful and calming that Flint passed out in a peaceful stupor. Tas immediately set about making a ruckus.

"How did you do that, Tanis? That was so un-canon! Dwarves are supposed to be really magic-resistant! Do you think he's dead? Or maybe he'll sleep a hundred years and then wake up? I know, Tanis--let's draw on his face and see how long it takes him to notice when he wakes up!"

With that, Tas grabbed some charcoal out of a pouch and began drawing squiggles on Flint's forehead. He would have liked to draw a mustache, but Flint's vast beard got in the way.

Tanis rubbed his temples; he could feel a headache coming on. "Tas, I know you're a kender and they're supposed to be very...er...carefree...but isn't Flint supposed to be your best friend or something?"

Tas shrugged unconcernedly. "In the _Legends_ trilogy I say Caramon is my best friend. Anyway, Flint's not hurt--although he may be a tad upset when he wakes up. I've decided to give him a haircut."

Tanis choked on his next words, imagining the dwarf's reaction to an impromptu haircut by the kender. Clearly, he would need help for this one. "Stuuuuuurm!" he shouted as loudly as he could, knowing that only the sort-of knight could help them now.

Tas raised an eyebrow, looking at Tanis skeptically. "Tanis, I don't think he can hear you. He's buried in the High Clerist's tower, remember?"

At that moment, however, Sturm stepped through the door in his full battle armor, knightly sword at his side. His long mustaches were as sleek as ever, which was surprising considering how rarely any of the companions bathed or groomed themselves. Aside from his apparently magical mustaches, he was looking very well for a dead man.

Tas leapt to his feet, forgetting all about his haircutting plans. "Wow! Sturm's here!" He held out his hand eagerly, and Sturm shook it with an expression of weary patience. "How ya been, Sturm? Is it fun being dead? Did you get bored in the High Clerist's Tower? I would get bored--there's not much to do there, and the locks are really easy to pick. Except for those dead revelers in the middle that are mentioned in the _Annotated Dragonlance Chronicles_, I guess. Are you a zombie now? No--a death knight! Wow! Could you do that Power Word Kill thing Lord Soth does? Could you? Huh? Huh? Huh?"

Sturm turned to Tanis in concern. "Tanis, what's going on here? Tas is too hyper, Flint was susceptible to magic, which you somehow have, and I'm not dead!"

Tanis frowned, thinking. "You're right, Sturm--there's something strange about this whole thing. Let's get the others--we'd best get to the bottom of this!"

Dragging Flint behind them, they exited the house.

-o-o-o-o-o-

Outside, the companions, now numbering four, looked around. They were in the village of Solace in its pre-War of the Lance phase. The bridge walks connecting the houses stood firm in the gentle autumn breeze as Tas, Sturm, and Tanis walked along them, still dragging the unconscious dwarf. They knew what they had to do--find the Majere twins. Raistlin, as a red-robed mage, might know what was going on. His brother would, of course, be totally useless unless they got in a fight or needed a touching scene for some reason.

"Which way should we go, Tanis?" asked Tas cheerfully. He was skipping along beside his friends, totally unconcerned with the strange events happening around him.

Sturm and Tanis ignored their diminutive sidekick, preoccupied with dragging Flint across the bridge walk. At that moment, however, the unconscious Flint joke got old, and the dwarf's eyes fluttered open. Sturm and Tanis dropped him in surprise.

"Flint--you're awake!" Tanis cried happily, hugging his old friend. "I'm so sorry I knocked you out! I had no idea that I would suddenly be endowed with completely un-canon powers!"

Flint spluttered in embarrassment, pushing the half-elf away. "Tanis, what's going on here? I can't quite put my finger on it, but something seems out pl--BY REORX'S BEARD, WHAT IN THE ABYSS IS GOING ON!?"

At that moment, Flint had spotted Sturm. The melancholy young wanna-be-knight was standing off to one side, gazing out over the town of Solace until he was needed as a straight man for one of his friends, since he just wasn't funny on his own. Angst-ridden knights who die noble deaths can be like that.

"Tanis, we should get going--for some reason, I feel a strange sense of foreboding. Maybe my psychic powers from that trip to the moon in _Darkness and Light_ are returning."

The others stared at him, nonplussed. Sturm's trip to the moon was not a subject they liked to bring up, mostly because it would inevitably lead to discussion of his illegitimate child Steel. Which, naturally, was an awkward subject. This was exactly why Sturm was dead before the companions found out about his and Kitiara's little trip in the canon plot.

"Er..."

Tas, of course, had no inhibitions such as common societal conventions. "I always wanted to go to the moon. Of course, I wouldn't really want to go with Kitiara--she ended up being evil and slaughtering thousands of people. I guess you could say we just wouldn't get along. But you guys seemed to like each other, so there you go."

Flint and Tanis blushed, not meeting Sturm's eyes. The knight, however, was impervious.

"Tas, you don't find out about that until _Dragons of Summer Flame_--how did you know? This is getting increasingly AU!" Sturm added in concern.

Tas shrugged. "I can't believe you're worried about timeline problems, Sturm--you're talking to someone who almost stopped the Cataclysm! Now _that_ would have been AU. Except it would have been the official plot, so the original official plot would have been the AU one, not the one where I stopped the Cataclysm, which I would have done except Raistlin made me break the magical device because he wanted to be Fistandantilus only I guess he really didn't because he killed him. It's the most wonderful story--do you want to hear it?"

Tas's three friends stood speechless, heads spinning from trying to follow Tas's convoluted explanation. This, however, was completely canon, so they weren't overly worried by it.

"Maybe another time, Tas--we still have to find Caramon and Raistlin," Tanis said placatingly.

Flint growled in annoyance. "Dammit, Tanis, can't you just _say_ something for once and not try to be the peacemaker!? That's not even your personality!"

Sturm admonished the dwarf with a stern look. "Flint, Tanis is always acting as the peacemaker unless he's in the midst of a self-absorbed, angsty rant--you know that!"

Tas grew bored with the discussion. His thoughts wandered back to Raistlin and the time-traveling adventures of the Legends trilogy. "I wonder how Crysania is? You know, I always thought she and Raistlin should have ended up together. Then Raistlin could have stayed on Krynn and not gone all evil. I mean really, didn't you think his character was ultimately redeemed when he realized his mistake at the last possible second and chose to sacrifice himself so his brother and Crysania could escape? I felt he really deserved more than some weird eternal sleep thing. But hey, to each their own."

The companions were speechless again; they could see a pattern forming. Tanis sniffed sadly. "I never get any good lines..."

Laurana patted him consoling on the arm. "It's nothing personal, dear--the author just likes Tas the best, so he gets the most dialogue."

Sturm, Tanis, and Flint nearly fell off the rope bridge in shock. "LAURANA!? How did you get here?"

Laurana shrugged. "The plot was getting boring and repetitive; it needed a new character. And some kind of weird Crysania-Raistlin thing might have made it too angsty and not funny enough. Although personally I don't think it's very funny right now..."

Tanis gaped at his girl friend/wife/positive choice pole for a moment before realizing it was high time for an angsty rant. "Oh...oh NO! Now I have to choose between Laurana and Kitiara! What will I DO!? How can I CHOOSE between the good, self-sacrificing, adoring, beautiful, perpetually youthful elf maiden who's been obsessed with me for years and the self-serving, ambitious, temperamental, short-lived human who's only using me so she can rule the world!? WHAT WILL I DO!?"

The companions shook their heads, blushing in contact embarrassment. Sturm, gallant as always, took pity on his friend and grasped his shoulder.

"Tanis, stop writhing in agony and just calm down. You choose Laurana in _Dragons of Spring Dawning_, remember? And then Kitiara dies in _Test of the Twins_. So, don't worry about it."

Tanis flung himself on his best friend, sobbing wretchedly. "But we're in some kind of AU time warp and I STILL CAN'T DECIDE!"

Sturm shoved Tanis backwards, angry and vaguely disturbed. "She killed me! I'm supposed to be your best friend and you'd consider making it with my killer!?"

Tanis shrugged, sniffling pitifully. "But...but...I don't know that until _Dragons of Spring Dawning_! Besides, have you _seen_ her? You liked her too! Admit it!"

Sturm shook his head in disgust. "Pull yourself together, man--and in Paladin's name, stop crying! It's...well, actually, it's not _that_ out of character..."

Tanis nodded, suddenly filled with self-loathing. "Oh, how could I even consider wanting the woman who kills my best friend and attempts to sacrifice my future wife to the Queen of Darkness!? But somehow I don't have the brains or willpower to stop! HELP ME STURM! HELP ME TURN AWAY FROM THE DARK SIDE!"

Flint was by this time thoroughly fed up. Turning to Tas, he began grumbling a continual stream of complaints as the two friends wandered off together, away from the sobbing half-elf and the exasperated knight. "Do you HEAR this!? I'm totally discounted--again! Every time someone looks like they might be my close friend, they end up being best friends with someone else! First Tanis and Sturm, then you and Caramon--what IS this!?"

Tas shrugged nonchalantly. "Sturm and Tanis is a little weird, considering how far apart in age they are. But I say everyone is my best friend--it's nothing personal. Besides, after _Dragons of Spring Dawning_ I spend my whole life waiting to go find you in some red star! If that's not friendship, what is?"

Flint snorted. "Star, indeed! Typical kender tale..."

With that, they began descending one of the large staircases to the ground, leaving their two friends far behind them.


	2. Trying to Take Over the World

Author's Note: And here it is--chapter two! A shockingly fast update for me, I know...thank you for the review, Just Me! And this chapter is basically where Raistlin appears. Because he's just too good to leave out. Hope you enjoy the chapter!

Chapter 2: Trying to Take Over the World

Raistlin rubbed his hands together, cackling softly. He was forced to stop and hack into a bloody handkerchief after only a moment, but the cackle was sinister nonetheless. The uber-evil maniacle cackle was utterly lost, however, on the sickly mage's twin brother.

Caramon was, to be blunt, a dunce. He had never been the sharpest knife in the draw, although he had undoubtedly often attacked others with the aforementioned knife. Where his twin was scrawny, he was all muscle. Where his twin was cunning, he was as dumb as a doorknob. Where his twin was subtle, he had all the subtlety of Tas's wooly mammoth in a china shop. Caramon was blissfully unaware of these bizarre discrepancies, however. All he knew was that he loved the world and the world loved him, except for his brother. And the dwarf spirits. Oh, the dwarf spirits.

"What're we gonna do today, Raist?" Caramon asked, eyes shining with simple joy.

Raistlin rolled his eyes, hour-glass shaped pupils contorting eerily. "The same thing we do every day, Caramon...try to take over the world."

Caramon sighed. "Didn't you drop that after _Test of the Twins_?"

Raistlin tugged his robes about him, glowering at his twin in obvious irritation. "Of course not! I just scaled back a bit. I'm through with godhood, that's for sure."

"Because Astinus warned you that in the end you'd be all alone and canabalize yourself?"

Raistlin winced at his twin's literal interpretation of the great librarian's words. "NO! Why would I do something just because that pansy wanted me to? Neutral my ass...he was just too pathetic to show his face outside of his library. Godhood isn't _me_ anymore, Caramon. World domination is much more suitable. If I was a god I'd have to deal with endless petitioners, organizing clerics, trying to dominate the pantheon, creating things...what a crock. No, not _I_. _I_ will not be subjected to any such divine machinations! ONLY WORLD DOMINATION IS WORTHY OF ME! MWAHAHAHAHA--ack!"

Raistlin doubled over in a fit of coughing. As he hacked away into his handkerchief, Caramon looked on in concern. "Do you need your tea, Raist? Should I boil some water?"

A vein in Raistlin's forehead twitched. "Oh, of course, dear brother. Naturally, my cough won't worsen as I WAIT FOR WATER TO BOIL OVER A FIRE! _No_ I don't want my tea! Just shut up and leave me to my plotting!"  
Caramon sighed and shook his head. He just didn't understand his brother. All he wanted was to live on a nice farm, and raise rabbits. Soft rabbits, rabbits with green and red and blue fur...and he would keep them, and love them, and call them all George. He smiled blissfully, losing himself in his dream even as Raistlin finished his daily attempt to hack up a lung and returned to his Evil Plotting.

-o-o-o-o-o-

The twins had no idea that at that very moment, three of their friends were searching for them, with little success. Their journey had been momentarily halted by Tanis's anguished breakdown in the middle of the bridgewalk.

"Oh Sturm, what will I DO? You die, Flint dies, Raistlin leaves for the Abyss, all of my advisors are GONE! HOW CAN I EVER DECIDE ANYTHING AGAIN!"

Sturm patted his friend awkwardly on the back, glancing around nervously. If anyone saw this, the knight would never live it down. Which was an odd thing to be worrying about, seeing as he was already dead. "But you still have Laurana, remember, Tanis? Remember? That's right...take a deeeep breath..."

Sturm rubbed his forehead wearily. If only Tanis's uber-leadership skills would kick in...

"Where'd Tas and Flint go?" Laurana asked, glancing around. She was quickly growing bored with her future husband's incessant whining and was severely put out that she hadn't had the foresight to vanish along with her two diminutive friends.

Tanis's head snapped up. Suddenly, his mind was crystal clear. He had entered...Fearless Leader Mode.

"They've been accosted--we must REScue them! Quickly, Sturm--let's away!"

The knight was speechless for a moment. Then, coming to his senses, he realized that such a search would be pointless. "No, Tanis--we mustn't chase after them! Most likely Tas dragged Flint off in some hairbrained scheme...we have to find Raistlin and Caramon. That's the only way out of this insanity."

Tanis struggled with his conscience for a moment. As Marshall Medan had so aptly put it in _Dragons of a Lost Star_, it was time to choose between duty and love. Tanis belatedly remembered that he was dead long before Marshall Medan arrived in Qualinesti, but this minor detail was lost in righteous anger at the idea of a Dark Knight making eyes at his wife.

"All right--we must find the Majere brothers before this goes any farther! Come, quickly!"

Tanis strode off, miraculously making no sound in his elven leather boots even though he was stamping his feet full force into the bridge walk. Because elves are just cool like that. Laurana followed in similarly silent fashion, but Sturm was hopelessly noisy. His antique armor clanked at every step, his sword rattled in its sheath--even his breathing seemed noisy compared to the elves.

Tanis and Laurana glared at the knight. Being all silent and woodscrafty made it hard to go for walks with their friends sometimes. Chagrined, the knight took another quick glance around to make sure no one was watching, then sighed deeply and began to tiptoe. Tanis and Laurana watched for a moment, then turned, satisfied at last. The three friends continued on to Raistlin and Caramon's house.

-o-o-o-o-o-

Tas and Flint, meanwhile, were wandering the ground level of Solace. Tas was happily playing a flute he had somehow "acquired," while Flint was trying to cover his ears and snatch the flute away at the same time, with little success.

"You doorknob, where are we going!? And stop it with that flute!"

Tas stopped playing for a moment, considering. Where _were_ they going? It was time to use…the Kender Body Compass, as revealed in _Dragons of a Vanished Moon_. Taking a deep breath, he closed his eyes, stuck out one finger, and spun around. Flint watched in stunned silence.

"Okay…that way is north. Let's go, Flint!"

Flint mouthed silently in fury for a moment. "You--you--what!?"

"Let's visit Gerard. He has an awfully nice jail, although you're dead a long time before they built it. Actually I was too, but you can't let that slow you down."

They traveled on, and to Flint's surprise, Gerard's jail appeared. Flint frowned; something was very, very wrong here…

"This plot…it's not just AU, it's completely cobbled together! Now, if dwarves had built this plot, you wouldn't see this shoddy work, oh no…"

Tas rolled his eyes. "C'mon, Flint--let's go visit Gerard!"

Flint sighed wearily. He couldn't figure out for the life of him what was going on, but at the very least, he would keep an eye on Tas.

Together, the two friends knocked on the door of the jail…

-o-o-o-o-o-

Raistlin sat in his chair. He didn't want to sit in his chair--he wanted to be pacing. But his mutilated lungs wouldn't allow for such luxuries. He had to make do.

"Caramon--pace!"

"But…but why, Raist?" Caramon asked, bewildered. He just wanted to keep thinking about his rabbits…

"JUST DO IT!"

With a sigh, Caramon rose to his feet and began pacing, trying not to bang into anything. His body was powerful, but he lacked finesse. If he tripped, he knew it would be curtains for both of them, as the floor would most likely not survive the big man's body slamming into it.

Caramon's pacing was going surprisingly well when suddenly, a dark figure materialized in front of him. Shocked, he tripped.

With a crash, Caramon fell through the floor and landed on the bridge walk below. With another sigh, he decided to visit the Inn of the Last Home. He needed some dwarf spirits…

Meanwhile, Raistlin shuffled off to the fireplace to boil some water for his tea, completely ignoring his unexpected guest (or was he unexpected? insert twilight zone music).

The unexpected guest gave a polite cough, shuffling his feet awkwardly.

Raistlin continued to ignore him.

The unexpected guest gave a less polite, more forceful cough, tapping his foot.

Raistlin continued to ignore him.

The unexpected guest had had enough. "Aren't you going to say ANYTHING after I just materialized out of nowhere into the middle of your house? Even _you_ must be surprised."

Raistlin rolled his eyes again. He was in a sarcastic mood today. "Oh, of course I was surprised. You materializing wasn't AT ALL predictable, after you did it in _Test of the Twins_ and _Dragons of Summer Flame_ and everywhere ELSE. You ALWAYS materialize. You're like some kind of addict."

"You're one to talk about addiction," the expected guest muttered, pulling his hood back in a foul mood. He hated being expected. Surprising people by materializing right in front of or behind them was something of a hobby.

"And besides," added the guest, who was now revealed to be the dark elf Dalamar, "I'm a wizard. It would be idiotic for me to walk all the way here from Palanthas when I could just materialize."

Raistlin poured out the water and shook the herbs into his tea. He took a sip and was able to breath more easily. He could brew his tea WITHOUT Caramon's help. HA. He wasn't dependent on his lummox of an older brother. Much.

"What are you doing here anyway? I'm still wearing the red robes, you shouldn't even know me."

Dalamar plunked down in Caramon's vacated chair, skirting the hole in the floor. "That's just it. I shouldn't be here. I shouldn't be in the story at all. What have I got to do with some pre-War of the Lance quest by the Heroes of the Lance? It's terrible..."

Raistlin was silent for a moment, thinking. Then his eyes lit with realization. "Ah...then that means you have--"

"--Displaced Character Syndrome. I know."

Raistlin's eyes narrowed. "How many others have been affected, I wonder...? And will this affect my plans for world domination?"

"...world domination?" Dalamar replied. "I thought you wanted godhood."

"I've been over this already. I changed my mind. What's so bad about that? Can't an evil genius change his mind once in a while? _You_ change your mind all the time--first you're a spy, then you're Master of the Tower, then you're going out with Jenna, then you're living in Nightlund, then you're serving Malys and Takhisis and anyone else who'll listen to you, then--"

"Shut up--that wasn't my fault!"

"Oh, of course not," Raistlin replied caustically. "Nothing is ever _your_ fault. I suppose you were just scarred as a child, or something. Hmph..."

"Well, I was!" Dalamar protested. "Traumatic events have shaped my entire life. First I'm exiled, then that moronic dwarf steals my Glasses of True Seeing, which _Tasslehoff Burfoot_ somehow ends up with, then you burn perpetually bleeding wounds into my chest, then Chaos almost kills me, then Tahkisis steals the world! What did you expect? You do what you can..."

"This is _exactly_ why you would never be able to achieve godhood," Raistlin said, shaking his head. "_I_ had convictions. _I_ had principles. _I_ had a steady girlfriend for over 300 years, which is more than _you_ can say, and you're about 5 times my age."

"That doesn't count!" Dalamar protested. "Crysania was a pawn in your power struggle, and you did _not_ know her for hundreds of years, you time-traveled! And I'm an elf--of course I'm much older than you! Principles? _What_ principles? _I_ have principles."

"The principle of serving yourself?" Raistlin snapped.

"Exactly," Dalamar said calmly. "And I, unlike you, didn't have to spend the rest of my life in an eternal slumber after locking myself in the Abyss."

Raistlin ground his teeth. That was still a sore spot, or rather it would be a sore spot, or perhaps it had been a sore spot, or perhaps...

Stupid Displaced Character Syndrome. It was a mess to deal with. Raistlin realized there was only one thing to do.

"Hmmm...we must end this irritating displacement. But how to do that? The gods, perhaps? No...they're all losers anyway. Maybe I should go visit Crysania...? Hmm...tempting, but I doubt that would end well..."

Dalamar considered this. "Well...what about the kender?"

"What kender?" Raistlin muttered, not really listening. His ideas were obviously much better than Dalamar's. He didn't even _have_ to listen.

"You know--Tasslehoff Burfoot. He always seems to be at the heart of these bizarre plots..."

"Tas? Please tell me you're joking. A wizard looking for a kender? That would be a disgrace to the magic."

"It's true," the dark elf protested. "He was friends with Paladine, he destroyed a Dragon Orb, figured out how to operate another, he altered the timeline and, I might add, helped stop your ascent to godhood, and then he found the world. He's always a plot device somehow."

Raistlin was silent. Dalamar, it turned out, actually _had_ had a good idea, but there was no way Raistlin would admit this. There was no one as powerful as him. _No one_.

"I'm leaving. I have to go find that brother of mine...you might as well stay here. No one ever visits, you won't be displaced any further."

The dark elf nodded morosely. Damn this Displaced Character Syndrome...he had no idea where he was, when he was, what he was doing there--nothing. Couldn't he at least have appeared as himself from the time _before_ Raistlin mutilated him? But no. Raistlin got to appear as his old, un-evil self, and Dalamar appeared post-Raistlin torment, pre-Head of Black Robes. It was all so unfair...

While Dalamar was bemoaning his fate, Raistlin stepped out and began limping off to find Tas, leaning heavily on the Staff of Magius. Stupid kender...if he was behind this...

Caramon, meanwhile, was happily throwing back glasses of dwarf spirits (he had appeared in his pre-alcoholic phase) when he suddenly realized that Raistlin would need him. Standing up abruptly (and accidentally knocking over the table), he rushed off to find Raistlin.

"Raist is so weak with that cough...he's probably still at home. Anyway, where would he go?"

Nodding decisively, Caramon clomped off home.


	3. What's in a Name?

Chapter 3: What's in a Name?

While Raistlin was off searching for Tas, Tanis, Sturm, and Laurana converged on his home. They paused outside the doorway, and Sturm stopped tip-toeing with a sigh of relief--his toes were killing him. Taking a deep breath, Tanis knocked on the door.

To the surprise of the three friends, instead of Caramon throwing the door open and giving them a spine-cracking group hug, they heard a muffled thump and a stream of curses.

"Wait a minute--that language is Silvanesti elvish! Someone has broken into the Majere home and is holding the brothers prisoner!"

So saying, Tanis threw open the door and strode in. Reaching the main room, he slipped on the edge of the large hole in the floor and would have mimicked Caramon's plunge to the bridge below had Sturm not grabbed him and pulled him back.

"How did this hole get here?" the knight asked in confusion.

"TANIS! ARE YOU OKAY!?" Laurana cried, flinging herself onto the half-elf. "You could have DIED! Don't DO that!"

Tanis froze in complete shock. This outburst was completely out of character...wasn't it?

Sturm looked up in concern. "Tanis, Laurana is reverting to her pre-War of the Lance personality as a spoiled brat, but more extreme! What's going on here!?"  
"...she is suffering from Displaced Character Syndrome," said a soft voice from the shadows. Startled, the companions leapt to their feet.

"Quickly, everyone--over here, get your backs to the wall!" Tanis shouted. He was just in time--at that moment, Caramon lumbered in, ploughed through the space they had just been standing in, and fell through the hole in the floor. Again.

This time, however, he was lifted out of it by an unseen hand and deposited with his friends. The spidery words of magic faded as Dalamar stepped forward (carefully avoiding the hole) with a sigh.

"It's happening to everyone...the more time passes, the worse it will get. The _shalafi_ has gone to stop it, if he can...I have to stay here, lest I become further displaced..." He stopped, realizing that the arrival of the companions was going to displace him from there to the dark moon. He sighed again.

"What's a shalafi?" Sturm asked, at a loss. He was dead before the companions discovered Dalamar's annoying nickname for Raistlin. The two elves, of course, understood, and Caramon had heard this before. They shushed the knight.

"Never mind that--what's Dalamar the Dark doing here!?" Caramon exclaimed.

"Name of the gods, would you all just stop calling me that!? What kind of name is 'the Dark?' It's so...so...idiotic! You don't hear them calling Porthios "Porthios the Dark," oh no. You only name the _wizard_ that. Dammit, would it be so hard to give me a name of my own!?"

The companions stood in stunned silence at this hugely out-of-character outburst. Tanis shuddered, realizing that Dalamar's Displaced Character Syndrome was worsening.

"Quickly, man--get back in character! Who knows what could happen if this goes on?"

Dalamar nodded, taking a deep breath. "Yes...yes, you're right...I never shout at anyone...because I apparently have some kind of bizarre emotional issue that makes me act calm all the time..."

Laurana was also muttering to herself, trying to get back in character. "I am the Golden General...the Golden General...dammit, why did they call me that...what a stupid name...sounds like some weird magic item in a video game..."

"NO! Laurana, don't create anachronisms, whatever you do!" Sturm shouted in alarm.

But it was too late.

From out of the hole in the floor rose a pair of eyes looking straight at them...

-o-o-o-o-o-

Tas and Flint, meanwhile, were entering Gerard's completely AU jail. Tas was whistling cheerfully, having abandoned his flute--it just couldn't measure up to his magic pipe. Flint was on edge, toying with his battle ax. He kept glancing sharply behind him, feeling like something was amiss...

"Hey, Gerard, it's me, Tas! Are you there? Gerard? Say, weren't you a knight? What happened to that?"

"What in blazes is going on here!?" Gerard exclaimed, entering the jail behind them. "Tasslehoff, you're...dead! I mean really dead, not like the first time when you were time-traveling. And why isn't Solace a bustling city? And where's Rhys? I wanted to ask him more about these Beloved of Chemosh..."

Flint stared at him. "Beloved of Chemosh? What are you talking about? And Solace is only what you'd call bustling on market day. What's this building doing on the ground anyway? I tell you, something's very wrong here..."

Tas scrunched up his brow, thinking hard. "Come to think of," he said slowly, "there don't seem to be any _people_ in Solace, except for us. I wonder why that is?"

Flint frowned and shook his head. "Reorx's beard, how am I supposed to know? This is all wrong, I tell you. I wish I was back at my tree..."

Tas nodded. "The one by Reorx's forge. Say, does Reorx mind people swearing by his beard? I know dwarves are awfully proud of their beards, even if Dougan Redhammer is kind of a weird dwarf."

"Dougan who? Don't be ridiculous. Reorx is the very essence of a dwarf!"

"Whatever you say, Flint, but I still think that hat was pretty funny."

Flint gave Tas a frosty glare, and he fell silent. Even a kender should fear to cross Flint Fireforge.

Gerard sighed, rubbing his temples. Every time kender got involved, you knew there was a headache coming. "So...what exactly is going on here?"

"Displaced Character Syndrome...among other things," said a voice from the doorway. The three companions spun around. Standing there was a man in red robes, with strange, metallic skin and golden eyes with hourglass pupils.

"Raistlin--Tanis, Sturm, and Laurana were just looking for you! Boy, it's lucky I found you. Maybe somebody dropped you? That's usually how I find things."

Raistlin was silent for a moment, gathering patience. "...silence, kender. You--Sheriff Gerard. You take that job after the War of Souls, correct? Yet by then, I have taken the black robes, and the dwarf and kender are both dead. Don't you see what's happening here?"

Tas, Flint, and Gerard all thought as hard as they could. Tas, however, quickly grew bored. "Say, Raistlin, if we're all here, where are Goldmoon and Riverwind and Tika? And what about Gilthanis and Silvara and Elistan? And Lady Crysania and Fizban and Palin and Steel and Usha and--"

"Enough!" cried Raistlin. "We have no time for your whining. We must act quickly, before--"

Raistlin froze, sensing its presence before he saw it. Turning slowly, he saw a pair of eyes shining from the shadows...

-o-o-o-o-o-

elsewhere in Krynn, by request of Tas

Goldmoon sneezed violently and blushed. Chieftan of her people, head of the Citadel of Light, chosen cleric of Mishakal, it was highly undignified for her to sneeze so loudly. Riverwind handed her his handkerchief, frowning.

"Are you all right, my dear?"

Goldmoon sniffed cautiously. "Yes...I'm fine. I just had the strangest feeling that someone was talking about us..."

"That's silly," said Tika. "Why would anyone be talking about us?"

"I agree," said Gilthanis, hugging Silvara. The dragon was too shy to say anything, however.

Elistan nodded decisively. "Indeed, my dear. We must not worry. Paladine watches over us."

Lady Crysania sighed sadly. "Elistan...Paladine is _mortal_ now. And you're dead. For that matter, so are Goldmoon, Riverwind, Tika, and maybe Gilthanis and Silvara. And as for _those_ three--"

"Those three" were, at the moment, arguing heatedly.

"I _said_, I didn't take your stupid staff! What would I want with it?"

Palin trembled with rage, his hands balled into fists. "I don't know, Steel, but I had it a moment ago and then you sat down and _now it's gone_!"

Usha frowned. "Palin...I don't like this. Why are we all sitting here in the middle of nowhere, just talking to each other? Doesn't that seem awfully strange to you?"

Steel nodded, dark eyes worried. "It does, Lady Usha. And many sit among us who should not be here, myself included. It seems to me that our conversation is strangely contrived..."

Crysania closed her eyes, trying to pretend she was blind, as she was supposed to be. She knew she had to stay as in-character as she could to keep them safe. "Indeed, Sir Knight. We are here by the request of a kender...a dead kender, at that. The author clearly likes Tas the best, and has thrown all of us together in this nonsensical manner just because he mentioned us in passing...we are in grave danger."

Steel drew his sword, standing protectively before the group. "Worry not, my lady. I will protect us all."

Crysania shook her head in despair. "That's just it, Steel--you shouldn't be able to. You're dead. We're all different than we're meant to be..."

As she spoke, a pair of eyes rose out of the shadows behind her and focused on the group...


	4. Attack of the Plot Holes

Chapter 4: Attack of the Plotholes

"What in the name of the gods is that!?"

Tanis drew his sword, backing away slowly. Laurana drew her blade as well and joined him, tensing for battle. Sturm contemplated his empty scabbard glumly. His son, Steel, had his sword, making him defenseless. Why did the author have to put Steel in the story _just_ when Sturm really needed his sword? The knight sighed regretfully.

Caramon drew several blades and tossed one to Sturm. "What should we do, Tanis? What is that thing?"

"I don't know…maybe it's some—some demon from the Abyss!" the half-elf cried, holding his blade steady.

Dalamar rolled his eyes. "Of course it's not a demon from the Abyss. Don't you see what's going on here? It's a plothole."

The companions were silent. They had no idea what Dalamar was talking about. The dark elf rubbed his temples. This day just kept getting worse…

"Don't you understand yet? We've created plotholes—lots of them. Until we can resolve this and restore the timeline, they'll keep attacking us. And put away your swords—we can't kill them, we can only rewrite them out of existence."

Laurana nodded decisively, her days as the Golden General coming back to her. Or coming ahead to her. Whatever.

"We don't have time to figure out what caused this particular plothole—let's run!"

They ran for their lives, seeing more plotholes rising all around them. Countless eyes trailed after them, coming ever closer...

Incomprehensible. Inexorable. Unstoppable.

-o-o-o-o-o-

"Wow, what's that thing?" Tas said cheerfully, studying the plothole. The creature ignored him, turning instead to Gerard. Gerard backed away nervously; he didn't like the look of this creature.

Raistlin watched it coolly. 'It's a plothole…and it's here for us. Well, everyone but the kender, at least."

Flint snorted. "Just typical! This is probably the kender's fault in the first place, and now it doesn't even notice him!" He drew his well-worn battle ax, ready to defend the group.

Tas crossed his arms, pouting. "Everyone but me? That's not fair! I want to go too, Raistlin! Why can't I?"

Raistlin rolled his eyes, trying to block out the high-pitched voice. "It doesn't want you because you _are_ a plothole—every time you enter a story, the entire thing changes. And the author likes you the best, so nothing tries to hurt you. Unfortunately, the rest of us aren't so lucky…"

The plothole turned from Gerard to Raistlin. The Sheriff grabbed the mage and pulled him back, heading for the door. "Come on, all of you—let's get out of here!"

Suddenly, however, Gerard's character became dull. He vanished in a puff of smoke, only to be replaced by Lady Crysania, who looked around in shock and was actually able to see, much to her chagrin.

"Well this is awkward," Raistlin muttered.

-o-o-o-o-o-

Meanwhile, the Large Group of Extra Characters watched in shock as Lady Crysania disappeared, only to be replaced by Gerard, who swore vividly when he saw that here, too, he was faced by one of the plothole creatures. He drew his sword with a sigh of resignation.

"This day just keeps getting stranger," Palin said, shaking his head. "And I STILL can't find my staff!"

-o-o-o-o-o-

Tanis, Laurana, Sturm, Caramon, and Dalamar kept running, but the plotholes were gaining. Unlike the companions, they had no need to rest; they could destroy plots for all eternity if they so desired…

"You know," Tanis said, panting, "I have…a terrible…feeling of foreboding…about all this…"

"What are you talking about?" said Dalamar. "Foreboding is for _future_ events. This is _already_ going wrong."

"Er…that is…shut up, dark elf!"

Laurana winced. "Tanis…I love you, but that was a pretty bad comeback…"

"Where are we going?" said Caramon, tongue lolling as he ran for his life.

"…there!" said Sturm. "There's the Inn—we can barricade the door while we try to rewrite the story!"

They summoned the last dregs of their strength and put on a burst of speed for the final sprint. They were yards from the Inn door…now feet…now…

"Arrrgh!"

"No—Caramon!"

The plotholes had caught up to Caramon and sunk their claws into him! He was paralyzed, helpless to escape their clutches.

"You are inconsistent. You must be eliminated."

Tanis drew his sword and forced himself to turn back. "Let him go!"

"No, half-elf—you sword is useless! If you want to save him, we must rewrite!"

Tanis stood with his head bowed, then nodded. As much as he hated to admit it, Dalamar was right. There was only one way…the dreaded EDITING!

They dashed into the Inn and bolted the door. Then, they dragged over the huge oak table at which the companions had first met Fizban (oh how Tanis rued that day) and shoved it against the door.

"There—that should hold them for a while. Now..."

Tanis paused, at a lost. Where would they start? How could they possibly fix a story so convoluted? "…_is_ there a way to rewrite this story without plotholes?"  
Sturm, Laurana, and Dalamar looked at each other for a long moment. They mutely shook their heads. Tanis sighed the sigh of a man in Fearless Leader Mode, leading a hopeless cause.

"Does anyone have paper and pencil?"

-o-o-o-o-o-

"Oh, boy—Crysania's here! And she can see! How wonderful!" Tas beamed delightedly at the cleric.

"You doorknob—we're about the die!" roared Flint, yanking his beard in frustration. How could they possibly fight a—a _plothole_?

Crysania looked around at them all, saw dead Flint and Tas, red-robed Raistlin, Gerard's time-shifted jail, and the plothole. She swallowed hard.

"Quickly—we must run, before the plothole destroys us all!"

Raistlin shook himself—he was _not_ embarrassed! Raistlin Majere did not know the meaning of the word embarrassed! In a figurative sense, at least. He was a genius, he reminded himself, and therefore knew and understood a vast store of vocabulary. Of course.

Crysania cleared her throat impatiently, and Raistlin shook himself. Ah, yes—the plothole.

"Everyone, come close to me—now!"

They did so, too afraid to protest. Raistlin muttered a few incomprehensible words and made a powerful gesture. The four companions vanished, and the plothole was left staring into empty air in confusion.

They reappeared inside the (currently empty) Tomb of the Last Heroes. Except the heroes who were supposed to rest inside it weren't there yet. So now it was just a big, empty stone box. A box that could be defended extremely easily, even by four people. A box with thick, nearly impenetrable marble walls.

Raistlin smiled a crafty smile. Perfect.

"Now…let's start rewriting. We must eliminate the plotholes or perish."

Tas sighed sadly. Just when things had been looking interesting…

"At least Flint is here. And Raistlin is always pretty interesting to be around. Maybe he'll magic me into a duckpond again!"

The four huddled together in the darkened tomb as Raistlin pulled out sheets of parchment…

-o-o-o-o-o-

"What do we do!?" shouted Usha in fear. "That—_thing_—will kill us!"

Plain pulled Usha behind him, readying the few simple spells he knew. "Don't worry, Usha…we'll be all right…" He could barely keep his voice from shaking.

Steel snorted derisively. "'We'll be all right?' I think not, Majere. But we will die gloriously!" He drew his sword with a wild battle cry.

Tika rolled her eyes at the pair of them and promptly smacked both of them upside the head. "Don't be stupid—what will swords do to those monsters? They're magic, or from the Abyss, or _something_!"

Goldmoon closed her eyes, thinking hard. "…we must rewrite. We must eliminate the plotholes by rewriting them out of existence!"

"And how exactly are we supposed to do _that_!?" shouted Palin, watching the menacing creatures approach.

"Let's hide in that large, conveniently placed cave there—I can seal the mouth with an avalanche like the one I used in _Dragons of Winter Night_," suggested Gilthanis.

"Oh no—that cave is another plothole in and of itself! It'll produce _more_ monsters!" shouted Elistan in despair.

"Inside it?" Goldmoon said dryly.

"Er…"

"Inside it is, then."

Once the entrance was sealed, they settled down to remake some history…

-o-o-o-o-o-

"It is too late for this story…we, the plotholes, shall eliminate this travesty…"

The leader of the plotholes surveyed his campaign map. Soon…soon, it would end. They would all pay for their hideous plot!

"Muahahaha….MUAHAHAHAHA!!!!!!!!!!"

"Um…sir?"

"What is it?" the leader of the plotholes snapped. "Can't you see I'm engaging in maniacal laughter?"

"I believe that's a cliché, sir. As plotholes, shouldn't we not…?"

"We stop _plotholes_, general. Not clichés."

"…oh. Right. In that case…mind if I join you?"

"Not at all, general…not at all."

And so the night passed, ringing with the sounds of scratching quills and maniacal, if cliché, laughter.


	5. Plot Device

Author's Note: Thank you for the review, Just Me--glad you liked it! This is the second to last chapter. Yes--this story only has six chapters. The whole thing is already written out, in fact. So...here it is--the penultimate chapter! And on with the show...

Chapter 5: Plot Device

Tanis threw another crumpled piece of paper into the corner of the room, grinding his teeth in frustration.

"Dammit, we're no closer to rewriting the story! And it's all _your_ fault," he added, glaring at Dalamar.

"My fault? MY fault? How is it my fault? And stop wasting the paper—don't you know you're killing trees? What kind of elf ARE you!?"

"Both of you, stop it—we're wasting time!" said Laurana. "And we don't have to worry about paper. We have a conveniently placed never-ending supply here. I think it's installation art, or something."

Sturm sat with his head bowed. Oh…the humanity…

"Let's start again," Tanis said, taking a deep breath. "One day, in Solace, before the War of the Lance…"

"That won't work," Dalamar interjected. "If you're going to write it in the pre-War of the Lance Solace, you can't write as if you already know it's going to happen."

More grinding of teeth. Tanis ripped up the page and grabbed another. "Okay…how about—

'The companions, having been transported forward in time by Caramon's magical device—"

"Nope. Caramon's already gone, we can't use him."

"THEN YOU THINK OF SOMETHING, DAMMIT!" Tanis shouted, finally losing all semblance of control. He was out of ideas, out of patience, but at the very least, he wasn't out of character.

Laurana began pacing the room. "How about we…get transported to a strange place resembling Solace before the War of the Lance by the gods?"

Dalamar shook his head. "Nope. The gods aren't in the story. The author couldn't think of anything funny for them."

Sturm sighed gloomily. "You know…it might help if you'd stop breaking the fourth wall."

"Look, knight—we're in a fanfic, being attacked by plotholes, trying to rewrite ourselves to safety. How can we _not_ break the fourth wall?"

"Maybe I should kill myself…then I'd be dead, like I'm supposed to be…"

"No!" Tanis said vehemently. "Sturm, we'll figure a way out of this—we're not going to lose anyone!"

"Wanna bet?" said Dalamar.

Laurana resisted the urge to smack the dark elf. Barely. "You're not Reorx, you know!"

"Look, let's just—get back to rewriting…" Sturm said, taking up Tanis' dropped pencil.

"I told you—there's no way to rewrite this mess into some kind of coherent story. We're doomed," said Dalamar flatly.

"You know, you haven't said one helpful thing all day," said Laurana.

"And I should care because…?"  
Silence for a moment. Then Tanis thought of something. "Hey—in _Test of the Twins_ and _Dragons of Summer Flame_, you keep popping out of nowhere and _helping_ me! So to be in character, you should be helping us right now!"

"Then I go to Nightlund and steal magic from everyone. How helpful is that?"

This time, Laurana couldn't resist.

-o-o-o-o-o-

Tas was bored.

A bored kender is a dangerous thing. Normally, Raistlin, Crysania, and Flint would have realized this and run for their lives at once. Now, however, they were otherwise occupied.

"All right—how about instead of entering the Abyss, Raistlin realizes his mistake and goes home?" Crysania suggested.

"For the last time, I am _not_ contrite! Not at all! I feel not a scrap of contrition! If I could do it all over again I'd do the same thing!" Raistlin shouted.

"Look, Raistlin, I know you think the world revolves around you or something, but I don't care what you would _really_ do—just make the stupid story coherent!"

"Imagine if the world really did revolve around Raistlin," said Tas suddenly. "That would be pretty funny, don't you think?"

"Shut up!" Flint roared. "Last time you made a random suggestion, the author stuck in about twenty new characters just for you—the last thing we need is some bizarre kender tale coming true!"

Tas giggled. "Now _that_ would be funny, Flint—just imagine! A true kender tale…"

-o-o-o-o-o-

"Okay, so Palin, Usha, and Steel are magically transported into the past before Elistan dies, and so is Gerard…"

Tika shook her head. "I don't think that's going to work, Goldmoon. I mean…_how_ would they transport? We haven't got Caramon's magical device, even."

Gerard was pacing. "Dammit—there's got to be _some_ way! What do we _do_!?"

Palin sighed morosely. "I just want my staff back…"

"Maybe that could work," said Usha. "Someone…steals Palin's staff—and then they…they…run away through time and we chase them!"

"And Elistan comes back from the grave because…?"

"Shut up, Steel!" said Palin.

"Oh, all of you shut up," Gilthanis muttered. It was going to be a long day…

-o-o-o-o-o-

"We should have gotten the kender," said Dalamar, now making paper airplanes out of the discarded pages. "Then we could've gotten out of this mess."

"That's true," Laurana said reminiscently. "I remember when Tas found the dragon orb at the High Clerist's Tower in _Dragons of Winter Night_…that really _did_ save the day."

Tanis bent over his latest rewrite. "Okay, so in this one Sturm comes back from beyond the grave to warn us of dire peril, and Dalamar time-travels back in time to…er…also warn us of dire peril…"

"Oh, that makes sense," Dalamar said dryly. "Now all we need is for a couple of gnomes to show up."

"Don't even kid about that," Laurana said sternly. "You never know what might happen…"

Sturm sighed again. He hadn't had a good line in ages. He was dead, he wasn't funny, he was being completely ignored, he was out of character…he had hit rock-bottom. _Lower_ than rock bottom.

"Cheer up, Sturm," said Tanis. "I'm sure we'll figure this out soon…I mean, we're the author's favorite group of characters, except for Tas! I'm sure _we'll_ be the ones to come up with a solution."

"Don't you see the _obvious flaw_ in that statement?" Dalamar said. "_Except for Tas_. Any group without Tas is doomed. That's the kind of twisted world we're dealing with."

"Where's Fizban when you need him…" Laurana muttered.

"You called?" said a fuddled voice.

Standing in the middle of the room was an old wizard in mousy-brown robes and a battered hat. Who was secretly a god. Except that he was supposed to be a mortal elf now. Yeesh.

"Oh, great—just what we needed. _Another_ plothole!" said Dalamar. Raistlin's sarcasm was starting to rub off on him. Or it would be, if they had actually met yet. Which wasn't possible because Raistlin was wearing the red robes, except that they had.

Groan. Another plothole.

"Actually, I am just what you needed—because where there's Fizban the Fabulous, there's—"

"I don't know about fabulous," interrupted Laurana.

"Yeah—I seem to remember a certain Fireball spell…" Tanis added.

Fizban coughed hastily into his beard. "Er…where was I…ah, yes. Where there's Fizban…there's Tas!" And he waved his hands and muttered some magic words.

"Was that a spell to summon Tas!?" Tanis cried.

Dalamar rolled his eyes. "That wasn't magic at _all_. He just asked for a chicken in elvish."

"Er…" the old wizard said, abashed. He had forgotten they had a wizard with them. Oops.

But at that moment…

(at the Tomb of the Last Heroes)

"Flint? I'm bored."

"Would you shut up?" Flint roared. "We're trying to fix this mess, which _you_ started, no doubt!"

"Yeah, but…I really am terribly bored."

Raistlin and Crysania both shushed them.

"Would anyone mind terribly if I left…? Only I think maybe I'll go visit some of the others. Maybe Dalamar. I should return his spoon. I had it in my pouch for some reason. He probably dropped it. I bet he'll be really pleased."

Raistlin stood up as well. "Hmm…that might be best. It's clear the author doesn't have any idea what to do with us. Idiot…how can she not know what to write about me, supreme genius and near-god!? I am the _perfect _main character!"

Crysania sighed. "Yes, Raistlin, of course you are…now can we go? Tanis may have some advice. He _did_ lead the companions in the War of the Lance, after all. Even if it hasn't happened yet."

Tas skipped gleefully to the door and yanked it open. And as they strode forth, not a single plothole came near them…they feared to even look at Tas, the Ultimate Plothole.

And so it was that they came to the Inn of the Last Home.

(elsewhere in Krynn)

"Oh no…hurry, Goldmoon! Time is running out!" Tika cried with a thrill of foreboding.

"What are you talking about? The plotholes can't get in here," the priestess replied.

"But…but I think if we don't get interesting and/or funny quickly, the author will stop writing about us! We'll be lost from the story forever!"

Goldmoon swallowed hard. "Uh-oh…what do we do, Tika? …Tika?"

"…anyone?"

(now that _that _loose end is tied up, back to the more interesting characters…)

"Hey, everyone—what's going on?"

"TAS!?" Tanis cried, leaping to his feet in shock. The barricade had burst open, they had grabbed their weapons and prepared for a last desperate stand, and then…

A kender. Tanis sighed ruefully; he should have known.

"Look, Tas, this really isn't a very good time…"

Laurana laid a hand on his arm. "Wait—this feels strangely familiar. I feel like we told him that during the War of Souls, and when you were fighting Lord Soth in _Test of the Twins_, and in the War of the Lance, and in _Dragons of Summer Flame_…"

"Precisely," said a cool, cynical voice. Looking up, the companions saw Raistlin, accompanied by an exasperated Crysania and a grumbling Flint.

"Flint—so that's where you got to! You found Raistlin for us!"

Raistlin scoffed. "Found _me_!? I found them—no one finds a Supreme Evil Genius unless he wants to be found! NO ONE!"

There was a long moment of silence. Then Fizban coughed awkwardly. "Well, I'll just be going, then shall I…?"

"No!" shouted Crysania at once. "We may need you—the ending might have to be a deus et machina or whatever it's called."

More silence.

"You know what I mean—we might need a god to make it work!"

"Er, well, I, er…"

"You're staying," Raistlin said, "Or else."

Fizban gulped and sat down.

"Now…shall we proceed?" Raistlin asked coolly.

He was met with skeptical looks. "Raistlin…I know you almost became a god and all, but do you really think can fix _this_ pitiful mess of a story? I mean…at this point, it's not even _funny_," Tanis said doubtfully.

"Of course I can—I'm a—"  
"Shut up about that already!" Crysania said, giving Raistlin a swift whap over the head. Which was completely out of character. But it felt good, Crysania thought to herself. That was what counted.

Tas looked about, swinging his legs as he sat on a bench. "Hmm…I thought it'd be more interesting with everyone together, but I guess not…you guys can't even tell a decent story!"

"Oh, like you can get us out of this mess?" Dalamar said sarcastically. "Go on, then—what do _you_ think should happen?"  
Tas laughed, delighted. "You want to hear one of my stories—truly? Really and truly? You don't know how much this means to me! Well! Where should I start…?"

Flint harrumphed. "The last thing we need right now is some rattle-brained doorknob of a kender and his ridiculous tall tales!"

Tanis shushed him. "No, Flint—I think this might just work," he said softly.

Tas sat back comfortably, gazing at his audience. Seeing them rapt with attention for once, his eyes misted with tears of joy.

"All right. Now, it all started with Caramon's magical time traveling device, which somehow ended up in my pouches…"


	6. Kender Tales

Author's Note: This is the last chapter. yes--it's true, sad to say. But a story has to end sometime, right? Just Me, I'm glad you thought that line was funny--it cracked me up. Poor Sturm...he's just not made for humor. Oh, and just so this chapter doesn't seem completely off the wall: it's kind of...a double parody. DL Chronicles and...it will hopefully become obvious right away in the chapter, but...the Wizard of Oz. ...yeah...don't ask. (laughs) Well, enjoy!

Chapter 6: Kender Tales 

"So," Tas began, "it all started when Caramon's magical time traveling device activated. Me and Dalamar were—"

"Wait—how did _I_ get involved in this!?" Dalamar said.

Everyone else promptly shushed him.

"Anyway," Tas continued, "We were swept away by the time magic! And then…."

Tas and Dalamar landed with an almighty crash, along with the remains of the Majere's Inn. Awakening, they saw that they were in a bizarre town with yellow and red paved roads.

"Tas…I don't think we're in Krynn anymore," Dalamar said.

Tas felt a strange urge to bark and run around sniffing things. But instead he said, "This place seems kinda familiar. I bet Uncle Trapspringer was here."

They looked around curiously. The little town was decorated in alarmingly bright colors, and everything was on a miniature scale. Suddenly, they heard giggles from many unseen people.

"What was that!?" Dalamar said.

Tas ignored him. "Gee, Dalamar, it sure is lucky that I'm here. I bet I have a map of this place somewhere. We won't get lost!"

Dalamar was just about to strangle Tas when (luckily for Tas, although unluckily for Dalamar) he was interrupted by the appearance of a strange person who looked disturbingly familiar…

"Excuse me," said the person, who had long honey-colored hair and almond shaped eyes, "But are you a good witch or a bad witch?"

"You know," Tas said, "You look just like Laurana."

The woman looked around shiftily. "Er…yeah—I get that all the time! We look just alike. But I'm obviously not Laurana because I have a poofy dress and a magic wand!"

"Oh…that makes sense," Tas said, admiring the woman's sparkly white dress, which had so many ruffles that it was likely to trip the unwary wearer.

"Who in the Abyss are you!?" Dalamar said, interrupting the otherwise pleasant conversation.

"I am the Glinda, the Good Witch of the North," the woman said. "And what kind of witch are _you_?" she added pointedly.

"I'm a _black-robed mage_," Dalamar said, glaring at Glinda. "And you're Laurana, not a witch! You don't have any magic at all! This is an insult to wizards everywhere!"

The woman gave him another stern glare. "E-HEM…so, Dorothy—I mean, Dalamar…welcome to Munchkinland! Come on out, Munchkins!"  
Suddenly, from the surrounding area sprang a horde of kender! Glinda/Laurana was somewhat disconcerted to see them swarm the two visitors rather than sing their little songs and dance. But the members of the Lollipop Guild had spontaneously disbanded to become members of the Shiny Objects Guild, which was much less organized.

"Give that back—get away from me—bloody hell!"

Tas shook his head disapprovingly. "Dalamar, we're from Krynn. We swear by the _Abyss_. And don't swear in front of the children!" he added.

"Wow, a dead guy under a house! What an interesting experience!" one of the kender shouted.

Laurana coughed pointedly. "He means, thank you for killing the Wicked Witch of the East."

A hulking man was buried in the ruins of the Inn. "Whoa—how'd Caramon get under there?" Tas asked.

Laurana coughed more loudly, angry at being upstaged. "Now…you must take the Ruby Slippers, Dalamar, and go to the Emerald City!"

Tas and Dalamar looked at Caramon's feet. He was wearing leather boots.

"Er…I mean, the Staff of Magius!" Laurana said hastily.

Tas snatched up the staff from the ruins. The crystal trapped in the dragon's claw gleamed from the top. "Wow—here it is! I always wanted to hold this thing, you know?"  
Dalamar grabbed it away from him at once. "Let go of that, you fool of a Took! …I mean, kender…"

Suddenly, lightening tore across the sky! Thunderclouds rolled in! It was cloudy, with a chance of rainfall tapering off later in the evening!  
….that is, someone appeared out of nowhere!

"_Where's my brother!?_" the man screamed, his white hair flying about his metallic gold face.

"Your brother is over there," Laurana said, pointing to the Inn.

Raistlin practically frothed at the mouth. "You dropped his Inn on him!?"

"No—they did," said Laurana.

Raistlin whirled around to face Dalamar and Tas. "Why, you—I would have expected this of a kender, but my own apprentice!?"  
Dalamar glared right back. "I have to say, now that you've burned holes in my chest, I'm much less loyal."

"Well, at the very least, I'm taking his Staff of Magius!"  
"You mean…_this_?" Dalamar said, waving the staff tauntingly.

Raistlin frothed at the mouth again. Tas thought he should probably go to a doctor and see about getting some rabis shots. "Glinda's—I mean Laurana's—white magic protects you here…but I'll get you, my pretty…and your little dog—I mean kender—too!"

Laughing maniacally, he vanished. The kender stood around chattering, not perturbed in the least. Several had wandered off from boredom.

"Well," said Laurana. "You must go to the Emerald City and ask the Wizard of Oz for help! _Off to see the Wizard, the Wonderful Wizard of Oz…_"

Tas and Dalamar ran off down the yellow brick road in the desperate hope of escaping the hideous and inhumane torture of listening to Laurana and a chorus of kender sing.

-o-o-o-o-o-

They walked along for some time before coming to a corn field, where there was a crossroads. They didn't know which way to go.

"That woman gave us _very_ poor directions," Dalamar said, leaning on the Staff. "Comes of hanging around with kender all the time…"  
Tas sniffed, pointing his nose in the air. "Shows what _you_ know. I'll just use the Kender Body Compass…"

"If I were you, I'd go that way," said a voice. But there was no one around!

"Who was that!?" Dalamar said, looking around suspiciously. He saw only a scarecrow wearing long white robes and a platinum medallion around its neck. Its arm was pointing to the right.

"Of course, that way is nice too," said the voice. They looked around again—now the arm was pointing left!

"Oh, wow—that scarecrow is talking! Boy, what a really most interesting experience!" Tas cried excitedly.

Crysania nodded. "Yes—that's right. Laugh at the scarecrow stuck up on a pole. Even the crows aren't afraid of me. Raistlin certainly wasn't…"

Tas cut Crysania down from the pole with his trusty magic knife, Rabbit Slayer. She fell over comically several times as she pretended to get her bearings like a stiff scarecrow, but the effect wasn't funny at all.

"You really have no comedic talent, do you?" Dalamar said, watching her critically.

"It's not my fault," Crysania said mournfully. "I haven't any brain."

"That much is obvious," Dalamar replied.

Tas was growing dangerously bored by this time. "Gee, Crysania, why don't you come with us to the Emerald City? I bet the wizard would give you a brain!"

Crysania hugged the little kender gratefully. "Really!? You'd really let me come?"  
Tas nodded. "Yep—all you have to do is sing the song! _Oh, we're off to see the wizard…_"

Dalamar put his hands over his ears. It was going to be a long day….

-o-o-o-o-o-o-

A little while later, they reached an orchard. "Gee, I'm kind of hungry," Tas said. "I'll just take some of those apples. I bet the trees wouldn't want them to go to waste. They'd probably be really grateful to us for picking them."

Just as he was about to reach for a bright red apple, however, he spotted something even _more_ interesting. Sturm was standing in the woods, apparently frozen in place.

They walked over to him at once. "What are you doing here, Sturm?" Tas asked. It was awkward for the others to say anything, since Sturm had died before they met him.

Sturm said nothing, but he made a strange squeak that almost sounded like, "Oil can!"

"…why do you need an oil can?" Crysania asked.

"Maybe you could just stop standing motionless like that," Dalamar suggested dryly. "Or we could hit you over the head with the Staff of Magius."

Sturm unfroze with alacrity. "I'm Sturm, the Tin Man…"  
"No, you're not," said Dalamar. "You're Sturm, the idiotically valiant knight. And you're dead."

"That's why I was frozen," Sturm said. "Rigor mortis. But I'm all right now…except for one thing…"

"What is it?" asked Crysania.

Tas jumped up and down, waving his hand. "Ooo pick me pick me! I know this one! He hasn't got a heart!"  
Sturm glared at the kender, robbed of his dramatic moment. "…yeah. It's a real problem for me."

Tas brightened at once. "Well, how about you come with us to the—"

"How about you stay here?" Dalamar suggested, clamping a hand over Tas's mouth.

Crysania shook her head reprovingly. "No, Dalamar—he should come with us to the Emerald City and get a heart from the Wizard of Oz. Let's all sing the song!"

"NO!" Dalamar shouted, waving the Staff threateningly. "If you want to come, fine, but we are _not_ singing that stupid song ever again!"  
It was no use.

"_Oh, we're off to see the wizard, the wonderful wizard of Oz…_"

-o-o-o-o-o-

They all walked along some more. All of the landscape was basically the same, including the yellow brick road. It wasn't clear to any of the characters why some insane person had wanted to build a road all the way from Munchkinland to the Emerald City. And why they had wanted the road to be yellow. And why they had built only one road in the entire land of Oz. But these questions would have to remain forever a mystery, because at that moment…

Raistlin appeared! "MUAHAHAHA! Give me that Staff or I'll kill you all!"

Dalamar was nonplussed. "If we have the Staff, we're much more powerful than you…_Wicked Witch_."

A nerve was going in Raistlin's temple. "...just give me my staff!" he shouted. "Or I'll—I'll—"

They never found out what he was going to do, because at that moment he collapsed in a fit of coughing. Crysania looked tempted to help him up, but the other members of the group, who were endowed with brains, held her back.

Raistlin recovered after a moment. "Haaaa….haaaa…anyway…FIREBALL!"

A huge gout of flame shot out at them, but the Staff of Magius easily deflected it for no good canon reason. Raistlin laughed evilly and disappeared, and the characters were forced to wonder why he hadn't gone in for the kill.

"That's easy," said Sturm. "_The Wizard of Oz_ was a kid's movie."  
With that mystery solved, they moved on.

-o-o-o-o-o-

A little later, they came to a large, spooky forest. Signs posted on the board did in fact identify it as the Forest of No Return. They also advised travelers to 'Turn Back Before It's Too Late,' However, since the only road on the entire continent ran through the woods, they really had no choice but to go on.

"What do you suppose is in these woods?" Crysania asked.

Sturm gave a melancholy sigh appropriate to his knightly countenance. "Oh, I don't know. Death Knights and Dragons and Sea Elves, oh my!"

"…Sea Elves don't live in the woods, Sturm," said Crysania. "_I'm_ the one without the brain, remember?"

"And those won't make a catchy song," Tas added.

"…fine," Sturm said mutinously. "Lions and tigers and bears, oh my. Happy now?"

The characters nodded and broke into song at once, with the notable exception of Dalamar, who stood glaring at them all. Unfortunately, since not even a wizard's looks could kill, it had no effect whatsoever.

_"Lions and tigers and bears, oh my! Lions and tigers and bears, oh my! Lions and tigers and bears, oh my!_"

At that moment, something sprang out of the woods!

"C'mon, put 'em up, put 'em up!" Tanis shouted, wiggling his fists and prancing about ridiculously.

Dalamar, fed up with the whole thing, dealt Tanis a blow with the Staff. He immediately fell back, crying.

"What'd you have to go and do that for!?" he said, tears streaming down his face.

"Because you were acting like an idiot," Dalamar said calmly. "Okay, what's your bizarre physiological problem that defies the laws of nature?"

Tanis shook his head, sniffing loudly. "I'm not missing any vital organs—but I haven't any courage. I don't have very good decision-making skills either, but that's beside the point."

Tas perked up. "I've got a great idea!"

Dalamar groaned. "Why do I have a feeling I know where this is going…?"

"Why don't you come with us to the Emerald City!?"

Tanis nodded happily, and they began their song…

_"We're off to see the wizard, the wonderful wizard of Oz!_"

-o-o-o-o-o-

Their next stop was in a field full of poppies, which for some reason grew in massive quantities along the path to the Emerald City. Before they had time to question this biological phenomenon, however, they all passed out asleep. It was a devious Evil Mastermind trap from Raistlin!

Our Heroes were sleeping soundly, their quest utterly lost…with the exception of Tas. It would take a lot more than some poppies to make a kender calm down enough to sleep.

"Huh? What's everybody taking a nap for? Hmm…I bet they'd want me to guard their stuff while they're asleep. That way no one can steal it. I'll just gather it up, then…"

At that moment, however, Laurana appeared. "Now, now, Tas…don't steal—I mean borrow—anything. I'll make it snow and wake them all up."

Laurana waved her hands and the ice dragon Sleet appeared and blasted snow on them all. Our Heroes woke up abruptly, shivering and on the verge of hypothermia. Laurana vanished with offering them any magically conjured coats, much to their disappointment.

"S-s-so…on…to the Emerald…C-c-city…" said Tas, shivering but still grinning. He found nearly freezing to death a very interesting experience.

Dalamar muttered darkly under his breath. "I swear, when I find out who's responsible for all this…"

-o-o-o-o-o-

The characters arrived at the Emerald City. Many dull things happened to them, such as that song the welcoming committee sings. But let's skip ahead to the plot-relevant part. The meeting with the Wizard of Oz commences!

Dalamar, Crysania, Sturm, Tanis, and Tas walked into the large audience hall. A huge golden dragon was waiting for them!

"I AM THE GREAT AND POWERFUL OZ, " it said. "WHY DO YOU DISTURB ME?"

"Why is he speaking in all caps?" Tanis whispered to Sturm. Sturm just shrugged.

"Wow—this is such an exciting experience!" Tas shouted. The dragon roared menacingly, and he giggled with delight.

"We want to get out of this insanity!" Dalamar shouted in frustration.

"THE GREAT AND POWERFUL OZ WILL HELP YOU IF YOU DO SOMETHING FOR HIM FIRST."

"Why's he speaking in the third person?" Tanis whispered to Sturm. Sturm still didn't know the answer, though. Tanis was starting to wonder if maybe Sturm should be the one asking for the brain.

"If Oz is so Great and Powerful, why does he need us to do his errands for him?" Dalamar asked coolly.

"THE GREAT AND POWERFUL OZ WISHES YOU TO PROVE YOURSELVES WORTHY. BRING BACK THE SPELLBOOK OF RAISTLIN MAJERE AND OZ WILL GRANT YOUR REQUEST. NOW GO!"

The characters fled at top speed, except for Tas, who had to be dragged along by force because he wanted to stay and admire the dragon some more. Once outside, they tracked down some better directions to Raistlin's lair—the Tower of High Sorcery! …in Oz, that is.

"Well…let's get this over with," said Dalamar.

-o-o-o-o-o-

The characters soon reached Winky Land, but it was not clear to them exactly what Winkys were. They knew only that they served Raistlin. But they had no choice but to go through the area.

"The Forest of No Return…sounds like a great spot!" said Tas eagerly. "Let's go!"

With that, he dashed in, and the other characters were forced to follow him. Raistlin, however, had a devious plan!

"Muahahaha…I will cast a horrible spell on them that will make them dance fiendishly and wear themselves out! Then I'll kidnap Dalamar and steal the Staff of Magius! MUAHAHAHA!"

It will remain forever a mystery why Raistlin thought that dancing was a suitably evil weapon for an evil genius. Be that as it may, however, he struck at once.

"This is ridiculous!" Crysania shouted as she danced away.

"I feel so awkward!" Tanis shouted, doing an ungainly two-step.

"Curse this heavy armor!" shouted Sturm, clanking about.

"Wheeee!" shouted Tas.

"This day just keeps getting worse…" said Dalamar.

Soon all the companions were exhausted and collapsed in a heap. "Boy, that was fun!" said Tas, completely oblivious to the utterly ridiculous plight they were in.

Far away, Raistlin watched in his Pool of Seeing. "Muahahaha…now, my flying monkeys! NOW!"

Out of nowhere came Raistlin's army of spectral creatures from the Tower of High Sorcery! While not quite as intimidating as authentic flying monkeys, they did the job. Grabbing Dalamar, who protested with curses that would have made a pirate blush, they carried him off to the Tower.

The companions forced themselves to their feet.

"Oh no—we have to save Dalamar from Raistlin!" Crysania said, wringing her hands.

Tanis nodded fervently. "I'll craft a cunning plan!"

Sturm gave a mournful sigh. "Something tells me this isn't going to go well…"

Tas was pouting. "I wish _I_ had gotten carried away by flying monkeys."

-o-o-o-o-o-

Raistlin was in the midst of a coughing fit. "Hack—mmph—hack! Ah…that's better. Now—give me the Staff of Magius!"

Dalamar clutched the Staff tighter. "No!"

"Give it to me!"  
"No!"

"Yes!"

"No!"  
"Yes!"

"No!

"No!" Raistlin shouted, with a cunning smile.

"Yes!" Dalamar shouted back. "Augh, dammit!" he followed up with, realizing he had fallen for a ridiculously simple trick.

"Muahahaha…hack! Hack! I'll…hack, hack…go get my tea…hack…then, when I come back…cough, mmmph, haaaack…I'll take the Staff! Hack!"  
Dalamar slumped down on the table. "Just great…"

-o-o-o-o-o-

Tanis smiled proudly, pointing to the army of Winkys marching into the Tower. "All we have to do is grab three uniforms, dress up as guards, and sneak in!"

There was a stunned silence.

Sturm was the first to break it. "Tanis…those guards are _gulley dwarves_. How are we supposed to disguise ourselves as them?"

"…oh," said Tanis. "In that case, let's just bribe them with some food."

And they did that.

-o-o-o-o-o-

Raistlin returned to the room. "Now that I've recovered from my cough…I _will_ take the Staff!"

"Oh no you don't!" shouted three voices. A bucket of water splashed all over Raistlin.

"No….NOOOOOO! I'll get pneumonia and die from my hideous cough! I'M WEEEET…."

Raistlin promptly ran off to go see a doctor. Our Heroes triumphantly claimed his spell book and returned to the Emerald City to stand before Oz.

-o-o-o-o-o-

"THE GREAT AND POWERFUL OZ DOESN'T FEEL LIKE TALKING TO YOU LOSERS RIGHT NOW. GO AWAY BEFORE I BECOME SEVERELY DISCOMFITTED."

"Sturm, he's still talking in all caps! It's starting to freak me out!" Tanis whispered. Sturm pointedly shushed him.

Dalamar was at the breaking point. "Dammit, I don't care _who_ you are, just send us back to Krynn so we can leave this excuse for a children's game! I swear, it's like living in that Candyland thing! If I never have to try collecting those stupid cards again, or whatever it was you did…"

"…you've played Candyland?" Crysania asked, staring at Dalamar.

"…shut up," Dalamar said. It wasn't his day as far as witty retorts were concerned. Or much else, for that matter.

"Hey—look at this, guys! It's Fizban! Wow, I really missed you, Fizban! How've you been? Did you lose your hat? Forget your name? How's the Fireball coming?"

"Er…"

All the heroes glared at Fizban, now exposed in his hiding spot behind the curtain, except for Tas. The kender was chattering to him quite happily.

"So how do we get back?" Dalamar asked.

Fizban shuffled his feet.

"And what about our various organs and psychological characteristics?" Sturm asked.

Fizban sighed deeply. "Oh…fine. Tanis—you don't need courage, you just need the ability to make a decision. Therefore, I'm prescribing these anti-angst pills. Take them as needed…I've given you enough for several decades, so come back next week when you run out…"

"For you, Crysania—you already have a brain. To use it, all you have to do is blind yourself. Therefore, I give you these extremely dark sunglasses."

"For you, Sturm—you already have a heart. You just need to get in touch with your true self and stop being so uptight and duty-bound. Therefore, I'm going to shave your mustache."

"NOOOOOO!" Sturm burst into tears.

"See?" Fizban said. "He's gotten in touch with his heart at last!"

"And what about me and Dalamar?" Tas asked, eager to find out the next surprise.

"…look, I can't do everything!" Fizban said.

"You don't have…I don't know…something crazy, like a hot air balloon or a gnome flying ship?" Sturm suggested, remembering his own adventures on the moon.

Fizban shook his head glumly. "Severe budget cuts."  
At that moment, Laurana appeared. "Silly Dalamar—you've always had the power to go home! Just bang the Staff of Magius on the ground three times and say, 'there's no place like home, there's no place like home'."

There was a long silence at these words.

"…that's stupid," they all said at last, mimicking each other's thoughts exactly.

Tas shrugged. "If you don't want to try it, I will!"

Dalamar grabbed the staff away at once. "Fine, I'll do it…there's no place like home, etc., etc…"

There was a blinding flash of light…

And Dalamar woke up back in the Tower of High Sorcery in Palanthas, prior to Raistlin's attempted ascent to godhood.

"What happened to you? You suddenly passed out for no reason."

"I had the most bizarre dream," Dalamar said, gesturing wildly. "And you were in it, _shalafi_, and Tanis was in it, and Tas, and Laurana, and Sturm, and Crysania, and, and…oh, there's no place like home!"  
"…oh, shut up," Raistlin muttered.

-o-o-o-o-o-

And so at last Our Heroes have escaped the fanfic and returned to their regularly scheduled canon lives…if not happily or ever after, at the very least, they're back.

THE END


End file.
